


give me something to believe in

by stefonzolesky



Series: wires [2]
Category: Ghostbusters (Movies 1984-1989)
Genre: M/M, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-13
Updated: 2019-05-13
Packaged: 2020-03-02 11:39:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18810151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stefonzolesky/pseuds/stefonzolesky
Summary: “I’m sorry,” Ray says. He isn’t sure why he’s the one apologizing.





	give me something to believe in

At sixteen-almost-seventeen, Ray thinks that there isn’t all that much wrong with him. Not like everyone else is saying.

Okay, so maybe he’s not doing so great in his academics, and his parents are switching him to a different school; a special school, to accommodate his style of learning. It’s not his fault that he can’t learn in loud, crowded places where people get yelled at for not conforming to a certain way of thinking.

His parents say that it’s for the best, and he believes them. It’s not that he isn’t smart, because he is, and intuition tells him that the fact that he had a meltdown in science class and ended up breaking a bunch of instruments probably has something to do with both the fact that he’s switching schools and the fact that he’s never been any good at making friends. 

It’s playing to his advantage, though, in this exact moment. The people he cares about is down to a minimum: direct family, and the boy next door that he watches poke at bugs and turn over rocks looking for them.

He takes a steady breath and steps into the living room. His parents are sitting on the couch, talking in that weird hushed way that parents do when they don’t want you to know that they’re talking about you. They stop when he walks in the room, and suddenly, two pairs of eyes are drilling into him.

“Ramona,” His dad says.

Ray tenses. His bones feel heavy. His breathing is all wrong.

“Dad,” He says. Then, “You two were talking about me.”

“Why don’t you sit down,” His mom offers quietly.

Ray nods. He sits down. This isn’t fair, he thinks, that they would turn the tables on him like this so last minute. He likes plans. They know he like plans. So what if they didn’t know he was making plans?

“I know you’re moving me to another school because I can’t handle the environment of the one I’m at now,” Ray says, slowly. He needs to give himself time to think. “And I know you worry about me, and I know that I put a lot on your plate.” He hesitates. “Do you mind if I stick something else on there? You know, while I’m at it.”

 

Ray gets his first girlfriend senior year of high school, and it’s nothing short of awful.

She’s pretty. That’s the first thing that Ray notices about her. Her name is Stella, and it’s flowery, and she’s flowery. She laughs at all his science jokes and will listen to him talk even when he gets off track and forgets that maybe she doesn’t care as much as he does.

“I like your eyes,” She tells him.

It’s two days after his eighteenth birthday and they’re sitting on a pier walking distance from the school.

He doesn’t say anything because he doesn’t believe her. She places her hand over where his fingers are picking at the wood of the dock. His feet touch the water, but her legs are too short to reach.

“Aren’t you hot?” She asks.

Ray shrugs. “I guess so.”

She pokes at a strap underneath his t-shirt. He winces. “Then why are you wearing two layers, if you’re hot? Shouldn’t you take one of them off?”

Ray shrugs again.

“I worry about you,” She says.

“You shouldn’t,” Ray promises. “You know, I can take care of myself.”

“Come on, Raymond.” She laughs. And maybe that’s what it is. Maybe Ray just likes the way his name sounds on her tongue. “It’s too hot for layers.”

“I’m fine,” He says. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

And this school that they’re at, the both of them, leaves something unspoken there. School enforces a lot of boundaries. Not like normal high school, with teachers preaching half-heartedly about how bullying is bad to auditoriums full of hundreds, thousands of kids. At those schools, nobody really cares. Ray was bait. Here, it’s different.

Stella takes her hand back. “Did I overstep? I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Ray promises.

And his problem with this relationship isn’t a problem with Stella. He likes Stella. It’s just… she’s so pretty and soft and delicate, and Ray sees all these things in himself and he doesn’t like it. He doesn’t want to be delicate. But when he looks between her and everyone else he could be dating -- it’s not like he has many options, but he thinks about it -- the problem is always there. They either have something he hates about himself, or something he wishes he had.

He breaks things off with Stella, but makes her promise to stay friends with him. It’s not hard. His parents say that normal people have a hard time staying friends after they break up, but he and Stella… they’re not normal people.

 

Ray doesn’t try dating again until his mid twenties. He’s living with Peter at the time, and Peter encourages him to go out more.

“Explore your sexuality, Ray,” Peter tells him, and the irony of the situation is painful. “Sleep around. Have fun. You don’t have enough fun.”

“I have plenty of fun,” Ray protests, pen in his mouth as he sits back against the wall, knees tucked up as a backboard for his notebook. “I’m sorry, Venkman, but I’m not going out tonight.”

“Ray,” Peter tries.

“Peter,” Ray mocks.

_“Ray.”_

That’s enough, apparently. Ray sighs and his legs slide down. “Give me five minutes.”

Peter punches the air like the douchebag he is. “Great! I’ll be downstairs.”

The bar Peter drags him to is awful. Ray stays seated with his drink the whole time, watching Peter work his Venkman magic on some redhead chick in a leather jacket that is approximately twelve times cooler than Peter will ever be.

Ray sighs and takes a sip of his drink. A cute blonde girl sits down across from him.

“Hi,” She says.

“My friend is actually sitting there,” Ray tells her.

She shrugs. “I’m sure he won’t mind.”

Ray glances at Peter, who is buying leather jacket girl a drink. “I’m sure you’re right.” He looks back at her. “I’m Ray.”

“Melanie,” She says, offering a hand for him to shake. “I’m not here to sleep with you. My friend thinks you’re cute.”

Ray shakes her hand, glancing over her shoulder where she’s looking back at a guy, sitting alone at a table for two with a drink in his hand. He smiles when Ray looks at him and waves. Ray swallows hard.

“Do you think I should go talk to him?” Ray asks Melanie.

She shrugs, a small smile playing at her lips. “Do you want to?”

“He’s… handsome.”

“He’s sweet,” Melanie says. “You seem like the kind of guy who likes sweet.”

Ray nods slowly. He finishes the rest of his drink -- courage juice -- and gets up. He sits down across from the guy.

“Wow, you have pretty eyes,” is the first thing that the guy says to him.

Ray can’t help but laugh. “You think so? When I was in high school, my friends always told me that they were freaky.”

“I guess they weren’t great friends,” He says. “Also probably liars. I’m Paul.”

“Nice to meet you, Paul,” Ray says. “I’m Ray.”

Paul nods a little. He takes a panicked sip of his drink. “I’m not looking for, like, a hookup. Or anything. And I’m sorry about Melanie. I just… I mentioned you were cute, and she… I don’t get out much. I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s okay,” Ray promises. He smiles. “And I don’t fuck on the first date anyway.”

Paul laughs awkwardly. “Is this a date? Because I just met you, and this is kind of a shitty place for a date.”

“It’s not,” Ray says. “Do you want to make it one? There’s a diner down the street. We could go there.”

Paul nods. “I’d like that.”

 

Ray continues to see Paul for the next year, privately. He doesn’t dare mention it to Peter or Egon because he knows that Peter would make a big deal out of it, and Egon… is Egon. Ray doesn’t really have a concrete reason not to tell Egon, at least not one that he can put into words.

The problem with Paul is that he’s exclusively gay. Early on, Ray had confessed to him that he wasn’t all as male as he claimed to be. Paul promised that it didn’t change anything.

Something in Ray’s head tells him that it definitely does.

Now especially, with Paul’s hands fumbling at the back of his binder. Their lips connect and disconnect as clothes are discarded, and…

“Raymond!” Peter knocks on his bedroom door. “Dinner is ready!”

“One second!” Ray’s voice cracks and he winces. He turns to his boyfriend. “Paul…”

“Ray, I’m sorry,” Paul says. He sounds sincere. “I really like you. I just don’t know if I can do this.”

Ray shivers as a gust of wind blows in through the open window. Paul grabs his shirt.

“I’m sorry,” Ray says. He isn’t sure why he’s the one apologizing.

 

He thinks, now, that Egon has always been less than observant in personal matters. At least until recently.

Egon stands in the bedroom doorway. Ray isn’t sure how long he’s been there. He’s been too busy thinking.

“You’re worrying me, Stantz,” Egon tells him.

Ray pushes himself so he’s sitting, to look Egon in the eye. “I was wondering when you’d finish up.”

Egon smiles, slow and tired, and makes his way towards the bed. Ray shifts so Egon can lay down next to him.

“Am I good enough for you?” Ray can’t help but ask him. The more he thinks about the steps he’s taken to get where he is now, the more he worries that Egon is with him out of obligation.

Egon brushes Ray’s hair from his face and says, “You’re more than good enough for me, Ray.”

Egon has never been one to lie. Ray knows that.

“I’ve never been with anybody like you,” Ray admits softly. “I hope you don’t get sick of me, or decide that I’m not what you want. Because that’s happened, it’s not like it’s something I wouldn't be used to, but it’s different, with you. You’re more important to me than anyone else ever was. You know, Egon, if you’re gay--”

“Ray,” Egon interrupts. “I’m with you because I want to be with you. I swear.”

Ray swallows down anything else he was going to say. Egon tilts Ray’s head towards his.

“Your eyes are really pretty,” He says.

Ray smiles.

“I love you, Spengs,” He says quietly.

Egon presses a chaste kiss to his lips and says. “I love you too.”


End file.
